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Thanksgiving Tips from the Dark Side
Joined: Dec 12, 2005
Posted to Thread #8067 at 7:26 pm on Sep 27, 2007
<b>Thanksgiving Tips from the Dark Side</b>
Posted: Nov 19, 2005 9:37 PM, Gail's Swap
In the spirit of sharing helpful hints this holiday season, allow me to show you a path less traveled in Time Management courses:
<i><b>Save time by using prepared turkey stuffing.</i></b>
What could be easier than adding hot water to already diced and seasoned bread?
[This is the point where—in the horror movie—everyone in the audience is screaming “DON’T ANSWER THE DOOR!”]
I offer you this warning to gently tear open the bag because—with just a tad too much energy—it can rip apart at the seam and fling bread cubes all over the kitchen. Forearmed with this knowledge, prepare to aim your knee-jerk reaction toward the countertop to achieve a recovery rate of 70% or more. In true Thanksgiving spirit, collect the dust bunny cubes off the floor and share with birds, squirrels, and unfriendly neighbors.
Of course, you must now augment those slippery little suckers by dicing a loaf of your own favorite bread into cubes. Hopefully, you will have a spare loaf, because remember, <i>you didn’t need to buy one</i> because you bought prepared turkey stuffing. Toss in a buttered fry pan until lightly toasted and add to the mix.
As you crawl around retrieving 7,294 pieces of crusty bread, it becomes apparent that there is nothing but bread in this package. No parsley, sage, rosemary, or thyme. No Simon & Garfunckel. No dehydrated or vacuum-sealed vegetables. What were they thinking! That we actually wanted to live on bread and water? So go ahead and sauté 2 diced sweet onions, 2 stalks of celery and a handful of crimini mushroom in sweet butter until caramelized, then add it to the mix. Then ignore the cost-crunching executive who decided that 1/1000 tsp of ground sage was enough pizzazz for the General Public Too Lazy To Make Their Own Stuffing and add more spices.
Finally moisten the bread in two steps: carefully measure the water specified in the instructions, pause a moment in reflection, then use homemade chicken stock because, come on!...homemade stock versus water! Finally, add an egg beaten with some milk for no other culinary reason than that’s the way my mom does it.
Stuff the darn turkey already.
Time Saved? <-1.5 hours> lost in floor scramble and washing floor.
<i><b>Save time by using prepared chocolate spread:</i></b>
With the brownie crust and bittersweet filling already prepared for the Insulin Tart, the only thing left to finish was the hazelnut ganache. Ever on the lookout for quicker and easier, I noticed an unopened jar of Nutella in the pantry. Perfect! Why dirty a pan melting cream and gianduji when you can just open a jar? Unfortunately, after the first schmear, it was obvious the spread was too thick and needed to be thinned.
A second brain-storm hit when I realize—by pouring heavy cream directly into the jar and using a stick blender with the whip attachment—I could have pour-able bliss in mere seconds. I was mentally congratulating myself on this time-saving trick when suddenly the jar spun erratically out of my left hand and began whirling around the kitchen in a clockwise rotation while I continued to clutch—with my right hand—the stick blender jammed in the jar!!
Here’s what you need to picture: dripping chocolate on the walls, cabinets, my clothing (ruined), the kitchen floor, the living room carpet (beige), the refrigerator across the room, my watch, and the cat (indignant).
Time Saved? <-1 hour> lost shampooing the carpet and washing the floor...again.
<i><b>Save time by arranging your own flowers.</i></b>
By 6:00 pm, the food was prepared, the floor washed (twice), the carpet shampooed, the wine chilled and the turkey roasted to a golden brown. The cat was still scornfully indignant but had retreated to plot his revenge. Our guests arrived with more wine and a huge bouquet of cut lilies and orchids. My husband took them to the living room for drinks and appetizers while I went to the kitchen for a vase. Bending over to arrange them, I glanced down and noticed the most beautiful color of saffron smeared across my navy silk top. The nerve! Those tricky devils were pollinating with my breasts! And on the first date! I tried to brush it off, but centuries of genetic survival techniques had evolved the pollen into a sticky mess that could not be rubbed off.
Time Saved? <-15 minutes> lost sneaking past my guests to change clothes
I offer this submission with the heartfelt emotion that if one person out there can teach an orchid that <i>No Means No!</i>, then cleaning up that chocolate hairball will not have been in vain.
Jesus saves. Buddha recycles.
Other messages in this thread:
- 8067. ISO Marilyn or anyone who might have saved Mar's famous "black garter belt" post. I looked for - Randi - 4:36pm on 09/27/07 (54)
- Awww, I'm touched that you thought of my warped sense of humor in your time of need: - MarilynFL - 5:41pm on 09/27/07
- Travails of a Novice Caramel Maker - MarilynFL - 5:42pm on 09/27/07
- Black Garter Belt Pie [LINK] - MarilynFL - 5:44pm on 09/27/07
- Continuing the saga of my pitiful inability to make candy: [NT] [LINK] - MarilynFL - 6:06pm on 09/27/07
- Shouldn't there be a special section in the HOF just for the brilliance, - orchid - 6:00pm on 09/27/07
- Or maybe a culinary essay section? - desertjean - 6:43pm on 09/27/07
- I agree dj. I think it would be nice to have them all in one place. [NT] - orchid - 6:59pm on 09/27/07
- and Joannie's travels too :-) [NT] - Randi - 8:26pm on 09/27/07
- I second that! I've printed some but I want the WHOLE collection!! [NT] - Sandy_in_Philly - 8:54pm on 09/27/07
- T&T--Guaranteed to Brighten Your Day Category [NT] - AngAk - 4:42pm on 09/28/07
- That's it Ang! What do you think Mimi? [NT] - orchid - 5:22pm on 09/28/07
- A "Classic posts" category? [NT] - Mimi - 6:56pm on 09/28/07
- yes, yes [NT] - AngAk - 7:19pm on 09/28/07
- Yes! Though Marilyn still might need her very own. [NT] - Joe - 8:26pm on 09/28/07
- Love it! [NT] - LisainLA - 6:44pm on 09/28/07
- Marilyn, is the Sodom and Gomorah casserole your's too? I have that. [NT] - AngAk - 6:35pm on 09/27/07
- Sister Mary Penitentia of the Wooden Ruler sent Marilyn to the cloak closet because she said "yes." [NT] - MarilynFL - 7:01pm on 09/27/07
- thank you darlin, I feared they were lost and they are a never-ending source of - Randi - 6:37pm on 09/27/07
- and that was supposed to go right under Marilyn's 1st post. Orchid, I was - Randi - 6:38pm on 09/27/07
- Yes, there's more to cooking than just cooking and Marilyn's way with words - orchid - 6:57pm on 09/27/07
- Awww, this is really boosting my mood, dear friends. Orchid, your words made me.... - MarilynFL - 7:03pm on 09/27/07
- Please do and thanks Randi for reminding me about these. [NT] - orchid - 7:08pm on 09/27/07
- Thanksgiving Tips from the Dark Side - MarilynFL - 7:26pm on 09/27/07
- This is hysterical! I can just see the cat...and the kitchen...and your blouse...! [NT] - Amanda_Illinois - 7:35pm on 09/27/07
- Marilyn, do you still have the chocolate saga that begins with "Hold onto your socks Bertha..." - Joe - 1:07am on 09/28/07
- I'll poke around, Joe. [so many posts, so many dead brain cells....] [NT] - MarilynFL - 2:38pm on 09/28/07
- Found it! I searched "marilyn, bertha" and it popped right up. It was our seats we were to hold onto [LINK] - Joe - 4:01pm on 09/28/07
- Marilyn, did you ever make this cake again(and live to tell about it)? [NT] - AngAk - 4:50pm on 09/28/07
- Yes, it is a joy to make. I use 54% semisweet now and it's not so...so. [NT] - MarilynFL - 5:02pm on 09/28/07
- Thank you Joe! I've copied and re-formatted it. Those mutated paragraphs give me a headache. - MarilynFL - 4:53pm on 09/28/07
- Marllyn, I had remebered it being longer. Where did you find the second part? Some of the best - Joe - 5:32pm on 09/28/07
- This extra text was in the comments...and since it had to do with - MarilynFL - 5:45pm on 09/28/07
- The "Daddy loves you very much..." bit is priceless. Thanks for adding it in. [NT] - Joe - 5:51pm on 09/28/07
- I can't link to it... and there are no little squares at the end. Here is the link it goes to: - cheezz - 7:19pm on 09/28/07
- Cheezz, click on Joe's link and look at the URL in the address bar. There - orchid - 7:46pm on 09/28/07
- nope - it appears in my url bar just like I cut/pasted it -- it ends with '88' [NT] - cheezz - 4:31am on 09/29/07
- I guess all links to that site are haunted. Enjoy Marilyn's re-formatted version, above, - Joe - 4:59am on 09/29/07
- LOL! [NT] - LisainLA - 3:21pm on 09/29/07
- I actually snorted laughing out loud here, Joe. Forgive me. [NT] - MarilynFL - 5:11pm on 10/01/07
- Hi cheezz - to get around the garbage Epi shoves into the address bar after you link, - LisainLA - 3:20pm on 09/29/07
- EUREKA!! Thanks Lisa :) [NT] - cheezz - 4:09pm on 09/29/07
- Then there's the Mailbox Macarena post. . . [NT] - AngAk - 4:51pm on 09/28/07
- I'm laughing just thinking about this one. Tooooo Funny! [NT] - orchid - 5:30pm on 09/28/07
- Both pieces are a lot of fun--thanks for posting. - Amanda_Illinois - 7:12pm on 09/27/07
- laughter really is the best medicine. thank you Dr. Marilyn, these are just fantastic! [NT] - Randi - 9:12pm on 09/27/07
- MariaD's pretty funny too..... [NT] [LINK] - Sandi in Hawaii - 8:44am on 09/28/07
- Oh my, thanks Sandi...I had completely missed this posting. Hilarious, Maria! [NT] - MarilynFL - 5:02pm on 09/28/07
- And who was it that when her recipe was "drafted up" to T&T and then gave - orchid - 5:39pm on 09/28/07
- Well, I became obsessed with this so I found it. I think it's hilarious! [NT] [LINK] - orchid - 9:59pm on 09/28/07
- And Debbie's tagline, always makes me giggle. Too funny! [NT] - Dawn_MO - 10:39pm on 09/28/07
- Wait, wait! Did anyone talk about Marilyn's discussion about the price of vanilla? - Barbara in VA - 1:02am on 10/02/07
- Okay, I vote that this post goes into the collection, too! SPATCHCOCK! *giggle* [NT] [LINK] - Julie R - WA - 2:40am on 10/02/07
- you've got my vote! [NT] - AngAk - 5:49pm on 10/02/07